Reader Recipe: Brian’s Miracle Guacamole

Introducing my very first Reader Recipe! *\o/*  I’m so excited! [Can you tell?]

My good friend Brian from Brian’s Portal has graciously agreed to share is famous guacamole recipe – lucky us!!

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the recipe, in his own words!

[it’s a miracle if there’s any left for your guests after you are done taste-testing it]

Brian's GuacIngredients:
● 6 avocados, pitted and skinned alive.
● 1 large tomato, gutted mercilessly (seeds and pulp removed) and hacked into itty bitty pieces for easy burial.
● The lifeless body of your favorite serrano chile pepper, chopped up with a hatchet or other large-bladed instrument.
● 1 clove of fresh garlic, not that powdery stuff from the condiments section. Mince it real good.
● Juice of half a lemon. Squeeze it until it’s skin turns yellow.
● Juice from a lime. Squeeze it until it’s skin turns green.
● Extra virgin olive oil. What would somewhat virgin olive oil be, I wonder?
● Salt. It’s good for preserving things……like bodies. Also good for repelling ghosts.
● ½ teaspoon Cajun seasoning. Go ahead, get this one from your favorite spice rack at the grocery store.
● ½ teaspoon cayenne pepper. This stuff is lethal, so take it easy, ok?
● (OPTIONAL) Half of a golden onion, diced. If onions give you nightmares and make you cry, try substituting onion salt instead. ½ a teaspoon should do the trick.


  1. Place the pitted, skinned avocados in a large bowl and add some extra virgin olive oil to help you soften and mash them.
  2. Once you have mashed your avocado to a pulp, add the diced, gutted tomato, chopped Serrano chile pepper and diced garlic. I always add more garlic….for protection.
  3. If you are adding onion, this is the time you would mix it in. Onion salt is just easier.
  4. You want to go easy with the lemon juice. If you add too much, put a dash or two of salt in there to balance it back out.
  5. The lime juice I find is what really brings out the great guacamole flavor. By now you have already had at least 2 or 3 samples. Admit it! You know I’m right.
  6. If you haven’t already done so, add some salt. It just doesn’t taste right without some salt. Trust me…..or your dietician. It’s up to you.
  7. Add Cajun seasoning and cayenne pepper to taste, which I know for me would be taste test number 28 by now.
    [Hey, I warned you not to half the recipe.]
  8. Mix all these in really well. Add a little more salt or lime if it needs it. I recommend letting it sit in the refrigerator for an hour or so, if you can manage to wait that long.
  9. Serve with tortilla chips.  Or just cut to the chase and use a spoon.


  • Recipe can be halved, but really, what kind of person only uses only half of a tomato? It’s just insulting.
  • Using a spoon is the most effective way of scooping the avocado out of it’s skin. If you are finding this process hard, that means that your avocados should have been left to sit for another day or two, you impatient person. Picking avocados that are nice and solid, and then letting them sit for 3 days is what I have found works best for me.